Today is Transformation Tuesday. I won't be talking about transforming my body. Instead I will be talking about a bigger transformation. A transformation from depression to happiness.
It is hard to believe it was three years ago. Sometimes it is hard to believe because it seems like it was only yesterday. Sometimes it is hard to believe because it seems like it happened to another person in a whole other time loop. Three years ago, I could barely move out of my bed. It seemed the safest place to be because leaving the bed meant I had to face a reality that was too much. Three years ago we were helping our daughter through her depression and because I was so focused on keeping her alive I forgot to watch my step and fell into the black hole that is depression myself.
The Black Hole
The black hole doesn't even begin to describe the feeling of depression. It is so much worse than a black hole. It is so much more raw, so much more painful and scary than I could ever describe.
I remember lying on the bed and not wanting to move. Lying there all day, having friends bring my son home from school. Having him tell me about his day but hearing his voice in a cloud that I couldn't understand. I remember seeing my husband looking at me as I lay there. I remember the look of fear in his face that matched the fear in my heart. The fear of life without my daughter. Because no matter how much I tried to think positively I couldn't see an outcome that had her surviving.
The Big Liar
But depression lies. Depression showed me the worst moments for my daughter. Depression made me see nothing but the bad outcome. It even showed me, in vivid color, through my dreams the moment we would lose her. And that moment played over and over and over again in my head. It was and still is an unbearable image.
I remember these things so clearly now. And now, today, right now, I know that depression is a big liar. Depression lies and when you are in that big, dark hole you have to choice but to believe it.
I look back on those days during that horrible time in our lives and I can and can't believe that was us. I can because the pain is still there, still so raw in my memory. But I can't because Megan did make it and she's happy and healthy and doing so much with her life. I can't because my life is so very different. I can't because our family is so different. Our family appreciates life more because during that time real life stopped.
That time is a distant memory. We made it through. We made it through enough that the fear of falling back into the hole has faded to just a whisper. The fear may linger but the happiness is so much more real.
I never thought we would see this day. But we have and I am so grateful.
Today is Transformation Tuesday for National Suicide Prevention Week. Share your transformation story. Tell me how you survived. Who did you call? How did you get help? What makes you happy today.
Also, because we know the good that the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is doing, Megan and I are raffling off a beautiful quilt. There are only 100 tickets. Every $10 donated will buy you one ticket. Click here for more information.