Running has failed me twice in my life – once when I was dealing with post partum-depression and now, as I deal with the depression that has taken over my life. I run and I find no release, instead I find that the faster my legs move the more wound up the negative words in my head become. I come home more tired and emotionally drained than when I left and it saddens me.
I tell you this because I have been an absentee blogger of late. I like to think of Ann’s Running Commentary as a place readers can come and find inspiration and motivation to get out there and relieve their stress, build a better life in body and mind and have fun. But lately I haven’t felt that motivation for myself and it is hard to fake it for my readers.
So today I decided not to fake it. Today I decided to talk to you about the depression that has taken over my life and how it is not something I can control. It is a life threatening illness. Everyday I am fighting for my life and so far I am winning.
I intend to keep fighting but I want to say this clearly to anyone who is suffering from depression, because yes, even we mighty runners suffer, depression cannot be fought alone. It takes a team. It takes psychiatrists and therapists and friends and family. And it takes all of these for two reasons. First because it is a life threatening illness and professionals should be involved. But second, it takes friends and family because they are the ones that bring in the bits of light you need to remember what you are fighting for.
I fight for my kids and my husband, my brother, sister and mom and a dozens more within my family. I fight for my friends, both lifelong and brand new. And I fight for my readers because the number of you who have reached out to remind me that you have my back stuns me. I have a stack of cards sitting on the edge of my desk from readers who have sent kind words and well wishes and I read and re-read those cards. They help show me the light. You help show me the light.
I cannot promise I will be a more attentive blogger from this point on but I will continue to try and I will continue to fight. And even though it does not help the way it used to, I will continue to run. Thank you for being there beside me as I do it.