Sometimes I over-share and this might be one of those times. It isn’t TMI in the sense of gross but it might be TMI as in a deeper look into my brain. It occurred to me this morning why I am struggling so hard with not feeling like myself. I feel like I have taken a fall from a skyscraper – a fall from the Ironman high to the depression low. It has been almost too much to express.
Last October when I finished Ironman, my friend Corey emailed me to say that he had never seen me with so much confidence. And he was right. I was on top of the world. But within a few weeks I began to feel the post-event blues and though I was not truly depressed I was down in the dumps for quite some time.
Maybe it was this pre-crash that saved me when the crisis finally hit. I had already fallen some. I was not on the top of the skyscraper anymore but somewhere about a quarter of the way down. Still, when the depression really hit, when the anxiety started ruling my life it was a plummet of unimaginable proportions.
Yesterday was a great day. I was feeling so much like myself that I wanted to believe the magic wand had been waved and the depression/anxiety had been cured. I rode my bike, did my laundry, cleaned by house and took the kids to the movies.
Then I woke up this morning figuratively hugging the pavement. Wondering how I will make it through this day.
Luckily I have a new accountability partner. My mom and I are working together to make sure we do something fun every single day. She is a depressive as well. So today I am heading out for a walk with my sister-in-law, one of the wisest and kindest people I know. I don’t know that it will send me up to the top of the skyscraper or even to the third floor but I am up off the pavement. My shoes are laced up and I am heading out the door.
My fall from Ironman to depression was hard. But I have been to Ironman. I know what it feels like and I am determined that one day I will be there again. And again, once an Ironman, always an Ironman, right?