If I had to describe myself in one word it would be can. No, not because of my big backside but because, all of my life I have lived by that word. As a child growing up in an abusive household I knew that I could do more, have more and be more. I could do better in school and lead a different kind of life. I knew that even though no one supported my decision I could be the first person in my family to go to college and I could do it with or without anyone else’s support.
When I first became a runner can was what saved me. After running that first awful mile I knew I could run further and even when I came in dead last in my first 5k and after they were taking up the finish line in my first ten-miler, I did not doubt that I could run the marathon.
And in 2012, facing my biggest challenge yet, I knew if I really wanted to, nothing would stop me from running the Ironman and finishing it in my goal time.
But then, in March of 2013, my life was tipped on it’s head and suddenly I became the “I can’t girl.” And to be completely honest that is where I have stayed since then, with a very few exceptions. But I hate this girl and if I had to guess where the biggest part of my depression has come from lately I would say it is this new word – can’t.
I can’t get out of bed because I am too tired. I can’t run because I have gotten too fat. I can’t ride my bike outside because I might use it was a weapon of suicide. I can’t face my extended family at family get-togethers. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
That has to change if I am going to beat this depression. This has to change if I am going to continue writing Ann’s Running Commentary. This has to change right now. And guess what? I know it can. I know I can. Today, I am finally over the cold/virus that knocked me on my butt last week, the kids are going back to school and work and I am going back to being the “I can girl” I have always been.
Today I run. Today, I open the curtains in my room and make the bed and avoid crawling back into it. Today I can and I will be Ann from Ann’s Running Commentary. Today I begin again.